Thursday, February 01, 2018

Dear friend,

I got worse again. I guess I really need my rituals to keep me going. I had alarms set in my phone to remind me to meditate, exercise, to write a diary... It may sound strange, but it made me feel like I'm not all by myself in this. I miss a goodnight's sleep, listening to asmr before it or reading a story, writing what I ate into the app that helps me put on some weight, a stroll outside... And it's only been like what? Two days? I don't want to become that person that is dependent on the rituals, but they do make me feel secure. How does it happen that one moment I'm really great, able to put my worries aside and just enjoy life and the other moment I'm figthing the world again? Why do I do that you ask? Because I feel it's against me. And that feels terribly lonely and helpless. I guess I just hurt a lot and this is how I hide it - by fighting the world. I really just need a hug. And to know I'm not all alone in this. And even though I know that, I don't believe it. I don't know why. I have no idea what must have happened to me to make me this way. And I have no idea how to change it... I have no idea what to do again. And I feel numb, terribly numb. I don't remember when was the last time I felt like this. I numbed myself because the pain was too great. And I don't even have an idea why I hurt. It seems like nothing bad really happened. But inside me something did happen. I just don't know what. And I don't know how to find out. So I just do what seems like a good idea. Like writing to you, my friend.

Hope you're great, whoever you might be.

Till the next time,

Bella

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